Trauma causes our brain to get stuck in a place of defense. Anything that reminds our trauma brain of the original experience, whether conscious or unconscious, will trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. In order to shut off our trauma response, we must be in an environment that is truly safe. Otherwise, we will […]
What does it mean to be “safe?” Read More »
Setting boundaries is so much more than saying “no.” Boundaries determine where you end and other people begin. In enmeshed family systems or codependent relationships there are few, if any, boundaries. Without boundaries, there is no you. In order to love yourself, you must know who you are. In order to know who you are,
Boundaries the Redefining Love Way Read More »
I’ve had grace on my mind a lot lately. It’s a thread that runs through all the other work we do here in the Redefining Love Community. Over the past few months, we’ve talked about forgiveness, talking to our wounded selves, adult friendship, perfectionism, and so many other things. And woven through all of that
Grace is the guidepost Read More »
We are all so busy. And our kids are so busy. And marriage takes work. And work takes work. And somebody in the house is always sick. And when we’re not sick we’re running in a million directions. And sometimes we just need to eat a meal at home. And sometimes we need to just
Is It Just Me? Why Is Adult Friendship So Hard? Read More »
Like everything else in Redefining Love, forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others are inseparable. You can’t have one without working on the other. Feeling unforgiving towards others creates shame. Why? The standard definition of love is “strong feelings of warmth and affection,” while culture also mandates that we “forgive and forget.” When we aren’t
Why “forgive and forget” is a toxic phrase. Read More »
I was talking to a friend earlier this week about all the ways I’ve changed in the past year. I jokingly said “I think I’m going through a midlife crisis!” I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that since I said it. Because here’s the thing… I’ve definitely grown and changed more this past
Growth is not a crisis Read More »
In Friday Zoom last week, someone suggested we talk about self-forgiveness. And I was like YESSSS, please! As I sat down to write this week’s post, I kept having this nagging feeling that I had been here before. And then I remembered, I’d written very similar words in my newspaper column years before. I went
Thoughts on Forgiveness Read More »
When I was a teenager we moved to a new town. I’d never lived in town before, with neighbors walking by with their dogs on a leash, or kids using our front steps to jump their bikes when they thought no one was looking. Because I’d always been an out-of-town kid, the constant stream of
Talking to your wounded self Read More »
Last weekend my teenager blew my mind. He said, “Mom, I’m confused. People say that happiness is a choice, but they also say that we should feel all the big feelings, including sadness and anger, and not hold them in.” I had to really think about how to respond to this. Because my son is
Is happiness a choice? Read More »
We hear the term “hold space” a lot these days. I use it myself all the time. MindBodyGreen.com defines “holding space” as being present with someone without judgement. This definition is certainly true, but when I use the term in Redefining Love, I’m applying the principles of boundaries, accountability, and grace to it as well. Holding
What does it mean to “hold space” for someone? Read More »
