The Redefining Love Blog
Check back regularly for Sara Beth Wald’s latest blog postings about her own journey through Redefining Love, applying Redefined Love to your day-to-day life, and the impact Redefining Love has on our lives and the world.
Addicted to drama
We’ve all known someone (or lots of someones) who goes through life like a tornado of chaos. It’s almost like they enjoy when their life is upside down and sideways. Perhaps you’ve even asked them, “Do you actually like chaos?” Their answer would undoubtably be, “No! Of course not!” And they mean it. More than
The difference between moving on and moving through
“Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.”-John Lennon Oh, boy. In the coaching industry I hear these phrases all the time: “Time to move on.” “Don’t look back. Look forward!” “You’re stuck in the past!” “Your future is ahead of you!” All this stuff sounds so encouraging and enticing. Who doesn’t want
The difference between boundaries and the silent treatment
Certainly there are those of us who are emotionally unavailable. But often in dysfunctional relationship systems, those walls are there for self-protection! What’s important as you work towards redefining love is to make sure that you’re setting boundaries with the true source of the dysfunction, and that those boundaries are healthy. Finding the root
How does individual trauma impact the workplace?
We typically think about trauma as primarily impacting our personal lives. But we don’t leave our troubles at the door when we go to work. So how is trauma impacting our professional lives? This week, I explore the question of trauma’s impact on the workplace, and explain why mental healthcare should be a priority to
The power and courage of a good story can change the world
In 1987, when I was 11 years old, my Gram handed me a copy of Gone With the Wind, and said, “Here, read this. You’re ready.” In those pages, I learned about war, and slavery, and the indomitable spirit of women. I haven’t stopped reading that book for 35 years. In 1990, when I was
Reflections on self-love
Throughout the month of May we’ve been talking about self-love in the Redefining Love Community. As always, I am in awe of the wisdom and insight that each of our members bring to the discussion. I often say that I grow from you as much as you grow from me. I wanted to share a
Balancing love for yourself with love for others
Self-love, self-care, you are enough, love yourself first… These are trendy phrases seen everywhere these days, to the point that they might lose their meaning and feel unattainable to those of us trying to do all the things. It’s hard to feel like “You are enough” when you’re dropping plates left and right! And at
Spiritual Abuse and Redefining Love
TRIGGER WARNING:This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety, emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of a trusted, trauma-informed supporter. This is our fourth and final segment of the four-part series titled It’s
Sexual Abuse and Redefining Love
TRIGGER WARNING:This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety, emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of a trusted, trauma-informed supporter. This is our third session in our four-part series It’s Not Personal. Our
Physical Abuse and Redefining Love
TRIGGER WARNING:This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety, emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of a trusted, trauma-informed supporter. Last week we began our four-part session titled It’s Not Personal. Here’s a
It feels personal, but it’s not
TRIGGER WARNING:This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety, emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of a trusted, trauma-informed supporter. Perhaps the most deeply damaging part of trauma is the sense of worthlessness
The Science Behind Breathwork and Its Powerful Benefits
GUEST HOST: Alyssa Hutchinson Have you ever heard about using the power of breathwork to heal your body, mind, and soul? If not, you’re in for a treat! Breathwork has been used for centuries as a healing modality, but what is the science behind it? Let’s dive into the science behind breathwork and explore some
Self-Trust: Trusting Your Own Discernment
When I searched online for a definition of discernment, I found two definitions; a secular – meaning “the ability to judge well,” and a spiritual – meaning “perception of judgement with a view of obtaining spiritual guidance and understanding.” Discernment might be called “intuition” or “trusting your gut.” It relates to the idea that we
How do I determine who is accountable for what?
Most of us can agree that accountability is an important part of being a person of integrity. But how do you determine who is accountable for what? A healthy relationship is one in which both individuals behave with integrity. But what does that mean, really? Integrity is when a person lives their life according to
Accountability as an act of love
How enabling causes harm to ourselves and others The past two weeks in the Redefining Love Community we talked about accountability for ourselves and others. Thanks to one of our members, I realized there was a key accountability point left to discuss… For many of us, a big roadblock to healthy accountability is the tendency
Why are we uncomfortable with accountability?
The Three Pillars of Redefining Love are Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace. The premise is that we must have all three pillars in balance, both inwardly and outwardly, in order to redefine love. There is no starting point. You get to just start where you’re at, in any given circumstance. Here is a handy graphic to
For the love of memes!
Top 19 Redefining Love memes on the topic of Making Your Own Family Y’all know I love a good meme. I absolutely love taking a quote and dressing it up for online inspiration! There are certain topics that are central to the Redefining Love paradigm that get revisited in many different forms. Every time the topic
Make your own family
I’ve been talking with the Friday Zoom crew about covering this topic for a long time, but it seems to always get pushed to the back burner in lieu of other, more urgent topics. As we launch into a new year, and begin our recovery from the busy holiday season, I thought this was
Holiday permissions
Redefining Love is all about grace, and there is perhaps no other time of year where we all need to give and receive grace than the holidays. Yes, this is in so many ways a special and magical time of year. But creating that sense of magic is a whole lot of work, costs a
Gaslighting vs Greenlighting: It’s all about control
Gaslighting is a major buzzword right now. In fact, Merriam-Webster chose it as the word of 2022. But what does it mean? Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one’s own advantage.” According to the Merriam-Webster website, there was a 1740% increase in lookups of the word in
Oversharing vs. Healthy Vulnerability
We all know that feeling… You’ve just spilled your guts to someone, and you’re wondering if you shared too much. Brené Brown calls this a “vulnerability hangover,” and YES to this perfect description of what it feels like to leave it all on the table. You know that feeling… A vulnerability hangover occurs when we
Secrets can only control you when they are kept
Have you ever thought about what is hiding at the bottom of your shame? It’s the one thing all shame has in common. It’s sneaky, and shockingly simple. It’s secrets. Think about it… How does domestic violence survive generation after generation?… Nobody talks about it. What’s the biggest threat a sexual abuser uses to control
Radical self-trust and tuning into our own intuition
Trust is the root of everything and the foundation of any healthy relationship. It is no different with ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we have to be able to trust ourselves, which often requires a lot of healing. The reason why self trust is so hard is because trust is a need, deeply rooted
What to do when you can’t walk away from a relationship
Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt stuck; where both leaving and staying seems impossible? You love your job, but you absolutely hate your boss. You have bills to pay. You can’t just up and leave. Jobs like yours are a one in a million. Your dad is a narcissistic jerk, but
Choose your travel companions wisely
Last week for our discussion topic I resurrected an old newspaper column I’d written years ago. Although I’d revisited my earlier writings because I had writer’s block, once I got in there, I (re)discovered some of my old thoughts that were the inspiration for Redefining Love. Our discussion last week was so successful that I
The evolution of a life
It isn’t often that I have writer’s block. I was blessed and cursed with a whole lot to say (at least when I’m writing). But for two days this week I sat at my keyboard and drew a blogging blank. It isn’t that I didn’t have any words. It’s that I had too many. You
Why it takes courage to process trauma (and why you’re awesome for doing it!)
If processing trauma were easy, everyone would be doing it, and we’d all be happy! happy! all the time. As those of us who have stepped inside our trauma and walked around a bit can attest, facing painful past experiences is not for the faint of heart. And it’s not just because it’s painful
Letting go
I love quotes. I have been a quote nerd since I was a kid. I used to recopy inspirational sayings from books into a journal, and then reread them over and over when I was sad or needed courage. One of my all-time favorite quotes is: The trees are about to show us how lovely
What does INTEGRITY really mean?
Years ago, when I first started in therapy, I was faced with what I would consider a typical situation with my family of origin. Promises had been made and then broken, and as usual it knocked the wind out of me. Somehow, even though I had 30 years of experience with these people, I was
14 modalities to reset your brain after trauma
TRIGGER WARNING:This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety, emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of a trusted, trauma-informed supporter. In this final post of our series about understanding how trauma transforms our
Understanding emotions
When we think about how trauma effects the brain, we don’t necessarily think about emotions. We tend to associate emotions with the heart. Certainly we feel emotions in our hearts. But we also feel them in our skin, hair, lungs, muscles, gut, and throughout the rest of our bodies. Even though we feel emotions all
BONUS BLOG: The six types of trauma
TRIGGER WARNING:This post contains discussions about mental health that may be upsetting or triggering for trauma survivors. If you are at risk for serious depression, anxiety, emotional instability, or self-harm, consider reading this post in the company of a trusted, trauma-informed supporter. A search for “trauma” online results in hundreds of definitions of trauma. The
Naming, blaming, and the uncluttered subconscious
We are heading into our second week discussing how trauma transforms our brains. I originally intended this to be a four-part series, but during our discussion last week, I realized that there is another segment of this discussion that needs to be addressed: naming versus blaming. Last week we talked about how we get trapped
How we get trapped in toxic circumstances
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to dive deep into how trauma transforms our brains, and why it’s important for us to understand it in order to heal. This is the first in a four-part series on trauma and the brain. The human brain is very much like a computer. It does what we
How Trauma Effects Your Money
Have you ever wanted to uplevel your income and cannot figure out why what you are doing isn’t working? Looking back on early childhood and young adult events, I notice an underlying theme throughout all areas: my health, my relationships, and my wealth. “I’m not worthy.” I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father until
Love is the only way
If you feel invisible, I see you and I love you. If you are afraid, remember that courage is not the absence of fear, but standing strong against it. You can do it, and I love you. If you are weary, stay strong. You are doing better than you think. And I love you. If
Live a life without shame
What would a world without shame look like? There’s no way of knowing for sure, of course, because shame currently permeates every level of our culture. If you look at every instance of human suffering – big and small – at the root of it is not anger, not sadness, not envy, not even fear.
Stepping beyond a warrior mindset
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the word “fight.” We fight for a cause. We fight for a marriage. We fight against darkness, or as some religions call it, “the enemy.” The angry cousin of fighting, of course, is “attack.” Our way of life is under attack. Our rights are under attack. Our freedoms
Surround yourself with those going in your direction
I’ve been thinking so much lately about my incredible friends – my self-made family. And I’ve been thinking about how different my life became when I realized that I was not floating through life haphazardly, bumping up against people in ways that were beyond my control. Once I realized that every relationship in my life
On growing pains, dark times, and beginning again…
My community had a rough week. We yelled at each other. We let our big feelings get the best of us. Feelings were hurt. Friendships ended. It doesn’t really matter what happened. It’s the universal story of our times. This is our Zeitgeist – the mood of the moment. If it hadn’t been this, it
Relational Shame Cycles
I talk a lot in Redefining Love about the Three Pillars of Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace. As a review, these three principals must be in balance both internally, towards self, and externally, towards others in order to maintain peace in your complex relationships. So the key is to learn to identify which of the Three
Managing anger and other big feelings
There are a lot of big feelings flying around out there lately. Understandably so. Our consciousness is overstimulated with local, national, and worldwide news that has all our systems on high alert. It’s crucial that we understand how our body is designed to respond to our circumstances, so we can be healthy and regulated as
To be creative is to rebuild yourself
Oxford Dictionary defines creativity as ‘the use of imagination or original ideas to create something; inventiveness.’ The thesaurus includes innovation, vision, expressiveness, creative power, and ingenuity. Depending on the stage of healing, these words can describe you so that you take pride in them, or they can seem distant and unreachable. I never thought of
Exploring the reality of choice
Trauma is tricky because it makes us believe that we don’t have a choice – a choice about our relationships, our emotions, and our reactions. The truth is, unless we are physically held captive,* we do have choices. A huge part of healing is learning to recognize our choices, and trusting ourselves to change course
What does it mean to be “safe?”
Trauma causes our brain to get stuck in a place of defense. Anything that reminds our trauma brain of the original experience, whether conscious or unconscious, will trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. In order to shut off our trauma response, we must be in an environment that is truly safe. Otherwise, we will
Boundaries the Redefining Love Way
Setting boundaries is so much more than saying “no.” Boundaries determine where you end and other people begin. In enmeshed family systems or codependent relationships there are few, if any, boundaries. Without boundaries, there is no you. In order to love yourself, you must know who you are. In order to know who you are,
Grace is the guidepost
I’ve had grace on my mind a lot lately. It’s a thread that runs through all the other work we do here in the Redefining Love Community. Over the past few months, we’ve talked about forgiveness, talking to our wounded selves, adult friendship, perfectionism, and so many other things. And woven through all of that
Is It Just Me? Why Is Adult Friendship So Hard?
We are all so busy. And our kids are so busy. And marriage takes work. And work takes work. And somebody in the house is always sick. And when we’re not sick we’re running in a million directions. And sometimes we just need to eat a meal at home. And sometimes we need to just
Why “forgive and forget” is a toxic phrase.
Like everything else in Redefining Love, forgiveness of self and forgiveness of others are inseparable. You can’t have one without working on the other. Feeling unforgiving towards others creates shame. Why? The standard definition of love is “strong feelings of warmth and affection,” while culture also mandates that we “forgive and forget.” When we aren’t
Growth is not a crisis
I was talking to a friend earlier this week about all the ways I’ve changed in the past year. I jokingly said “I think I’m going through a midlife crisis!” I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that since I said it. Because here’s the thing… I’ve definitely grown and changed more this past
Thoughts on Forgiveness
In Friday Zoom last week, someone suggested we talk about self-forgiveness. And I was like YESSSS, please! As I sat down to write this week’s post, I kept having this nagging feeling that I had been here before. And then I remembered, I’d written very similar words in my newspaper column years before. I went
Talking to your wounded self
When I was a teenager we moved to a new town. I’d never lived in town before, with neighbors walking by with their dogs on a leash, or kids using our front steps to jump their bikes when they thought no one was looking. Because I’d always been an out-of-town kid, the constant stream of
Is happiness a choice?
Last weekend my teenager blew my mind. He said, “Mom, I’m confused. People say that happiness is a choice, but they also say that we should feel all the big feelings, including sadness and anger, and not hold them in.” I had to really think about how to respond to this. Because my son is
Grief: Bold, Renewing, and Resourceful
Thoughts on grief and loss For those who don’t know, my dad passed away last week. Thank you to all those who have reached out and offered support. I am so grateful and humbled by my community of people. My dad and I had a complicated relationship. A word that comes to mind when I
What does it mean to “hold space” for someone?
We hear the term “hold space” a lot these days. I use it myself all the time. MindBodyGreen.com defines “holding space” as being present with someone without judgement. This definition is certainly true, but when I use the term in Redefining Love, I’m applying the principles of boundaries, accountability, and grace to it as well. Holding