Family and Redefining Love
Family as defined by culture
Our culture communicates many powerful messages about family:
There’s no place like home.
Nothing is more important than family.
Daddy’s little girl.
Mama’s boy.
Mother knows best.
Call your mother.
Family is everything.
A dad is a hero.
A mother is sacred.
Siblings are your first friends.
Because I have a sister I will always have a friend.
Brothers are best buddies.
Family, where life begins and love never ends.
These types of statements are beautiful and meaningful to those who grew up in happy, well-adjusted families. But what about those who didn’t? For millions of people, these sorts of statements, and the images reinforced by advertising and the media, are a constant painful reminder of what they are lacking.
Cultural gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which the target is made to question his or her own observations, perceptions, and intuition by being fed constant contradictions to obvious reality. Gaslighting is one of the primary weapons used in toxic families and relationships.
Advertising also commits gaslighting against its target audience. Popular media has been committing gaslighting against us since its inception. Every time we are told that something is healthy when it’s actually not, or a stereotype is reinforced by a sitcom, we are being gaslit into believing that is the reality, even when intuitively we have our doubts.
For those who are products of dysfunctional families of origin, the messages received from the culture about what family is supposed to be are in stark contrast with what they observe inside the walls of their own house.
Where the heart is NOT
For many people, home is most definitely not where the heart is.
What toxic families really need is to dig deep into their dysfunction, admit where there is both good and evil, and be accountable together. They need to redefine love, but culture doesn’t support this process.
Culture doesn’t allow for the possibility that for many, Christmas has nothing to do with a giant glazed ham in the center of a long table surrounded by a happy, smiling family wearing matching sweaters. Our culture is uncomfortable with the notion that some families couldn’t survive ten minutes crammed together in an RV, much less a trip to Yellowstone Park.
Even when a dysfunctional family is portrayed in popular culture, by the end of the episode everyone is hugging, or the audience is laughing because the notion of such dysfunction is so absurd, or a muscled cop is confronting an abusive spouse and taking away the rest of the family to a safe, warm place where they can start a happy, shiny new life. Justice is served in under 50 minutes.
An unmeetable standard
The end result of this cultural deception is that families strive to outwardly meet a standard that is inwardly impossible. Even healthy families fall into the perfection trap, made even worse by social media, where Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest set the bar even higher.
For those in dysfunctional families, the cost of this deception is even greater. It feels hopeless to imagine a life free from drama and discord, and it feels lonely when it appears on the outside that everyone else has a perfect life.
Ideally, everyone in a dysfunctional family would heal together. Everyone would join in the process, reflecting on their own strengths and shortcomings and setting and respecting healthy boundaries. But we’ve already established that despite what popular culture wants us to believe, we don’t live in an ideal world.
In the real world, dysfunctional families are highly resistant to change. The dysfunction is usually generational. The problems started long before you were born and left unchecked will go on long after you are gone.
Be Accountable
The end result of this cultural deception is that families strive to outwardly meet a standard that is inwardly impossible. Even healthy families fall into the perfection trap, made even worse by social media, where Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest set the bar even higher.
For those in dysfunctional families, the cost of this deception is even greater. It feels hopeless to imagine a life free from drama and discord, and it feels lonely when it appears on the outside that everyone else has a perfect life.
Ideally, everyone in a dysfunctional family would heal together. Everyone would join in the process, reflecting on their own strengths and shortcomings and setting and respecting healthy boundaries. But we’ve already established that despite what popular culture wants us to believe, we don’t live in an ideal world.
In the real world, dysfunctional families are highly resistant to change. The dysfunction is usually generational. The problems started long before you were born and left unchecked will go on long after you are gone.
An act of love
The end result of this cultural deception is that families strive to outwardly meet a standard that is inwardly impossible. Even healthy families fall into the perfection trap, made even worse by social media, where Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest set the bar even higher.
For those in dysfunctional families, the cost of this deception is even greater. It feels hopeless to imagine a life free from drama and discord, and it feels lonely when it appears on the outside that everyone else has a perfect life.
Ideally, everyone in a dysfunctional family would heal together. Everyone would join in the process, reflecting on their own strengths and shortcomings and setting and respecting healthy boundaries. But we’ve already established that despite what popular culture wants us to believe, we don’t live in an ideal world.
In the real world, dysfunctional families are highly resistant to change. The dysfunction is usually generational. The problems started long before you were born and left unchecked will go on long after you are gone.
Make a choice
It is very difficult to maintain a healthy sense of self within the confines of a dysfunctional or enmeshed family. And although it would be great if everyone could heal together, the truth is that rarely happens. So you have a choice to make. This choice is going to be different for everyone, depending on their unique circumstances.
You must consciously decide where your place is within this family. You must decide what your relationship is going to be with each individual. Who you really are needs to be carefully considered and expressed. You must be intentional with the decision. Take notes or keep a journal if it helps. Meet with a counselor to guide you. Do whatever it takes to get healthy and stay healthy.
Some individuals might decide to keep firm boundaries with some members of the family, and allow others a closer relationship. Or you may choose to attend a few special events throughout the year, just Christmas, weddings, and funerals, for example. What works for one person may not work for another, so it is important that you check in with yourself regularly.
In the case of highly toxic families, you may realize that there is no way to maintain your sense of self while maintaining any connection whatsoever. This can be a very lonely decision, especially since many of these people have spent their whole lives believing that “family is everything,” and thus making few meaningful connections outside of their family of origin.
Make your own family
It is very difficult to maintain a healthy sense of self within the confines of a dysfunctional or enmeshed family. And although it would be great if everyone could heal together, the truth is that rarely happens. So you have a choice to make. This choice is going to be different for everyone, depending on their unique circumstances.
You must consciously decide where your place is within this family. You must decide what your relationship is going to be with each individual. Who you really are needs to be carefully considered and expressed. You must be intentional with the decision. Take notes or keep a journal if it helps. Meet with a counselor to guide you. Do whatever it takes to get healthy and stay healthy.
Some individuals might decide to keep firm boundaries with some members of the family, and allow others a closer relationship. Or you may choose to attend a few special events throughout the year, just Christmas, weddings, and funerals, for example. What works for one person may not work for another, so it is important that you check in with yourself regularly.
In the case of highly toxic families, you may realize that there is no way to maintain your sense of self while maintaining any connection whatsoever. This can be a very lonely decision, especially since many of these people have spent their whole lives believing that “family is everything,” and thus making few meaningful connections outside of their family of origin.
Learn More...
If you feel at any point like you want to harm yourself or someone else, seek professional help immediately or dial 911. You are worth too much to the world to choose otherwise.
The author of Redefining Love is not a licensed mental healthcare professional. The information included on this site is for the specific purposes of learning to set boundaries and hold yourself and others accountable with love and grace. For mental health diagnosis questions or clinical mental health treatment or concerns, please reach out to a licensed mental healthcare professional.