TRIGGER WARNING: Parent child estrangement. I realize this is a tender subject for many on both sides of the issue. I started this blog back in late November after Oprah’s town hall. I chose to hold it until after the holidays due to the sensitive nature of this topic.
The holidays have a way of wrapping things in warmth – traditions, gatherings, shared meals, nostalgia. And then, almost overnight, the calendar flips. The decorations come down, routines return, and we find ourselves back in the midst of difficult conversations about mental health, family, and relationships.
This particular topic was already circulating before the holidays. But for many people, it becomes even more relevant after when family dynamics have been brought into sharp focus, when old patterns resurface, and when the distance between how things look and how they feel becomes impossible to ignore.
Lately, there’s been a surge of public conversation about adult children who are estranged from their parents. Media outlets, podcasters, and opinion writers seem puzzled – offended, even – by the idea that grown children might choose distance from their parents. The framing often sounds something like this: Kids today are entitled. Ungrateful. Too sensitive. Unwilling to forgive.
But there is a crucial part of this conversation that’s largely missing:
Accountability.
Estrangement rarely happens overnight. It’s almost never about a single argument, a boundary gone wrong, or a moment of rebellion. More often, it’s the cumulative result of years, decades even, of experiences that left someone feeling unseen, unsafe, or unheard. Patterns like gaslighting, manipulation, chronic guilt, conditional love, and unrealistic expectations don’t disappear just because a child becomes an adult. They simply show up in new forms.
And when those patterns go unexamined, the relationship begins to wither.
Think of relationships like living things.
What happens to a flower when it’s cut from its roots? It may look fine for a while. It might even appear intact. But without nourishment, without the ability to grow, it slowly loses vitality. The same is true of relationships when growth stops and blame takes over.
The difference, of course, is that humans are not flowers. We can replant ourselves at any point. We can choose growth even after a period of stagnation. We can learn new ways of being. But the longer we resist self-reflection, the harder it becomes to restore connection.
Healthy Accountability is not about shame.
It’s not about groveling or self-loathing. It’s about honest self-examination. It’s about asking, “What part did I play?” even when that question is uncomfortable. In any relationship, an unwillingness to honestly explore your own areas for growth is a red flag. This includes parent/child relationships.
The quickest way to damage a relationship is to dismiss the other person’s pain as invalid. Even if we don’t agree with their perspective, when someone expresses hurt, the first response should always be empathy. “I’m so sorry you’re hurting” is always the right first response.
Is it possible the person is out-of-line? Sure. That’s always possible. But they aren’t going to listen to your reasons if you don’t first acknowledge their pain. We can accept that someone is hurting without drowning in shame for it.
We all have someone to forgive. Every single one of us. But when forgiveness is demanded without personal reflection, it becomes another form of control. And when we spend our energy waiting for apologies from others, we’re focusing on something we can’t actually control.
What we can control is our own growth.
The unique parent/child relationship
Family-of-origin is the only relationship in the human experience that doesn’t involve choice. Kids didn’t ask to be born. Nobody gets to choose their parents. One of the most damaging myths in this conversation is the idea that providing food, shelter, and clothing is enough to guarantee lifelong access to another human being.
Parenting requires more than mere survival. It’s more than just running kids to activities and buying the latest iPad. Love is not proven through obligation and guilt. There are all sorts of ways a child can feel invisible and invalidated, even in a family that seems picture perfect to the outside world.
Adulthood does not erase the impact of earlier relational wounds. Just as it’s true that adult children are not entitled to their parents continued financial support, parents are not entitled to a relationship with their kids simply because they brought them into the world and met the legal obligations of parenthood.
Is it possible that a parent did everything they could and the child still chooses distance as an adult? Sure! Parents are not the only influence on a child’s life. There’s peer relationships, drugs and alcohol, social media, pop culture, and the deep, dark internet that can all have a negative influence that has long-term effects on a child.
But consider this… How much healing might be found in a relationship – any relationship! – if someone who was acting from a place of hurt had someone sit with them and say, “I can see that you’re hurting, and I want to help,” and they actually meant it? Imagine what could happen if a parent of an estranged child put all ego aside, stepped beyond the shame attached to their own defensiveness, and said, “Tell me how we can get passed this, together,” and then genuinely listened to their response.
Another myth is that estrangement automatically means cruelty or punishment. Sometimes distance is not about rejection. It’s about self-preservation. Boundaries are not weapons. They are information. They tell us where repair is needed. This is where Accountability becomes essential. If an adult child says they feel emotionally unsafe with a parent, it warrants self-reflection, regardless of how idyllic the childhood the parent believes they provided.
This applies far beyond families.
We see the same pattern in workplaces, communities, and politics – people doubling down on blame, convinced that everyone else is the problem. But history doesn’t celebrate those who refuse to reflect. Like a flower plucked from its roots, those stories tend to wither and fade over time.
The figures who leave a meaningful legacy are the ones willing to own their missteps, release what isn’t theirs, and evolve.
If you are a parent whose adult child has chosen distance, this isn’t an accusation. It’s an invitation to curiosity instead of defensiveness. To listening instead of explaining. To growth instead of grievance.
And if you are an adult child navigating estrangement, this conversation doesn’t erase your pain or minimize your experience. Boundaries are valid. Healing is not linear. Grace applies to you, too.
Redefining Love asks us to hold three things at once: Boundaries that protect, Accountability that repairs, and Grace that keeps us human. When we remove any one of those pillars, relationships become brittle.
So the question isn’t, Who’s right?
The question is, Who’s willing to grow?
As the Redefining Love Community moves into a new month focused on forgiveness, I want to be clear about something: forgiveness is not just for estranged families. It’s for friendships that ended without closure, romances carrying old wounds, workplaces where harm went unacknowledged. Forgiveness is necessary for good mental health, whether reconnection is possible or not.
That’s exactly what we’ll be exploring in this month’s Redefining Love workshops. Not forgiveness as obligation or erasure, but forgiveness rooted in Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace. We will discuss the difference between forgiveness and trust, and why that matters for healthy relationships with ourselves and others.
Want more Redefining Love?
Join us in-person at one of our Community Workshops in Billings, Montana. REGISTER HERE!
Or visit redefine-love.com to learn more about Redefining Love.
Related Links:
What is Redefining Love?
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
The Family Connection
For the Sake of the Kids
Mental Health
Toxic Relationships
The Shame Cycle
Forgiveness
It’s Not Personal
Trauma and the Workplace
The Friend Connection
The Romance Connection