“What is Love” is more than just a 90s one-hit wonder

Remember that song from the early 90s? What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more. Every time I think about “what is love” I immediately see Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, and Jim Carrey in their shiny club suits, bobbing their heads to the beat.

But really… What is love?

The question is just as relevant today as it was in 1993 when Haddaway sang the question to a club beat. (I was today years old when I learned who sang that song. Thanks, Google!)

Perhaps the question is even more relevant today, as our country is literally being torn apart by division and hurt. Friendships have ended. Families are divided and estranged. All because we can’t agree on what it means to love.

This is the question I asked myself when I began the Redefining Love blog back in 2018. What is love?

At the time, I was trying desperately to understand what was wrong with me that made loving my family of origin so difficult. I thought love was always this warm and fuzzy thing, and since I didn’t feel warm and fuzzy towards my family, I must be bad at love.

Needless to say, that wasn’t great for my sense of self-worth.

So I did what I do… I wrote. I sat down at my computer and started writing out what I needed to feel both loved and loving towards those who had hurt me. And thus was born the Redefining Love blog, which became a book, which became a TEDx Talk, which became a coaching platform, which became a movement.

I talk a lot about Redefining Love. It’s my life’s work; the whole of who I am. Many of you know that it’s built on the foundation of Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace, towards ourselves and others. But what is the actual new definition I came up with, way back when it all began? It’s so ingrained in my sense of self by now that I sometimes forget to mention where it all began.

So, here it is… My answer to the question, “What is love?”

Love is the intentional choice to see the full humanity in ourselves and others with curiosity rather than judgment. It is practiced through Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace, creating space for honesty and tenderness, even when it’s hard. Love is not just a feeling, but a commitment to nurture growth, connection, and autonomy. At its core, love is the courage to remain open, even in the face of pain, conflict, and uncertainty.
Love is not about power, validation, guilt, shame, or obligation.

Read that again. Love is NOT about power, validation, guilt, blind trust, or obligation.

This means that…

Blood is not thicker than water. When we redefine love, we are no longer bound by obligation to remain connected to people who have harmed us, even if we are related by blood.

We make our own family. Choice is a crucial force in Redefining Love. We may choose to include our blood relations in our family, but we also may not. Family is not limited only to those with whom we were born to, but also includes dear friends, colleagues, and neighbors.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing. Conflict just is. It’s a natural and normal part of the human experience. Conflict can be educational, meaningful, and bring us into deeper connection and understanding. Conflict is only scary when accompanied by threats, intimidation, power, and ego. When two people sit peacefully to share their hearts with listening ears, conflict can be very positive.

Trust and forgiveness are two different things. Trust is the gift of our time, energy, and affection given to those we have welcomed into our self-made family. Forgiveness is the peace we feel when we have held ourselves and others equally accountable for the wrongs done in the relationship. (For more on the difference between trust and forgiveness, visit HERE.)

We can love others despite our differences. Redefining Love frees us from hatred. When love is always warm and fuzzy, it becomes all or nothing. We are left having to choose between blind devotion regardless of behavior, and hating those with whom we disagree.

A warped definition of love is what got us into the mess we’re in.

Friends… Our world is so messy right now. You know that. Everyone is pointing fingers. It’s their fault. And here’s a hard truth drawn from Redefining Love…

We’re all right about that. It is our fault. All of us. Collectively. We can tell ourselves, “I don’t hate anyone” until we’re blue in the face. But the fact is, if you’re definition of love is all or nothing, you do hate. You can wrap it up in platitudes and scripture, but if there isn’t room in your heart for the both/and, well… that’s hate.

Nobody is right 100% of the time.

Not you. Not me. Not anyone. Your religion might include someone who you believe to be always right. Mine does. But I’m not him. And neither are you. We’re all out here just trying to get through this thing called life.

Usually we are doing the best we can. But sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we gossip. Sometime we jump to conclusions. Sometimes we assume the worst without hearing the whole story. Sometimes we nod in agreement when we should be questioning power’s authority.

Whether you are trying to figure out how to love strangers with whom you profoundly disagree, your dysfunctional childhood family, your abusive spouse or parent, your best friend who just betrayed you, or, or, or…

There’s so much hurt. And love is the only way through it. But not a black and white love that doesn’t allow space for the big, hard feelings. If that’s what your definition love looks like – like mine once did – then you’re going to stay stuck until you find a new way to do love.

Is my way the right way?

I don’t believe in absolutes, so I’ll let you decide for yourself whether I’ve got this love thing figured out.

Redefining Love isn’t the only way. But it’s another way. Because clearly, the way we’re doing it currently isn’t working. We literally don’t have much else to lose at this point. Well, except everything that’s left. There’s a lot hanging in the balance right now.

So, what do you choose?…

For more information about Redefining Love, visit the website at redefine-love.com, read the book available HERE, watch the TEDx Talk, attend an in-person workshop, or reach out to me at sara@sarabethwald.com.

Related Links:
What is Redefining Love
Boundaries
Accountability
Grace
Forgiveness
Make Your Own Family
Make your own family (blog post)
Toxic Relationships
Compassion in Conflict
Why “forgive and forget” is a toxic phrase
Redefining Love Blog