REDEFINING LOVE
15 Stages of Freedom from Toxic Relationships
SETTING BOUNDARIES
It's so much more than simply saying "no."
What are Boundaries?
We hear a lot about boundaries these days, and it’s a beautiful thing! It’s fantastic that setting limits and speaking our truth is being normalized in our culture. It’s been a long time coming! But what are these boundaries we speak of?
In the Redefining Love framework, boundaries determine where you end and other people begin. In enmeshed family systems or codependent relationships there are few, if any, boundaries. Without boundaries, there is no you.
In order to love yourself, you must first know who you are. In order to know who you are, you must establish boundaries – you must clearly define the space you occupy in the world, and you must give yourself permission to reside in that space.
IT'S ALL ABOUT GROWTH
Boundaries the Redefining Love Way
How to extract yourself from toxic relationships in 15 steps:
STAGE 1:
Gain perspective. Sometimes when we are in the middle of a toxic relationship we can’t discern what is and isn’t healthy. You need an objective person to look at the situation from different angles to hold the other person (and yourself!) accountable and determine what is healthy or “normal,” and what isn’t.
STAGE 2:
Identify your how and why? How did you get to this point with this person (or people)? Why do you want it to change now?
STAGE 3:
Self-worth. People who have been mistreated for an extended time often struggle with feeling like they deserve the treatment. Give yourself grace.
GRACE PERIOD
Don't rush things
Take all the time you need
to lay a solid foundation of
self-love and support before
you identify what
boundaries are needed.
STAGE 4:
Loving from a distance. This doesn’t necessarily mean ending the relationship. Once you gain perspective and identify your self-worth, you will have the emotional distance you need to see the other person as a hurting soul, so you can begin to give them grace, even as you are setting a boundary. This prevents you from setting angry, unreasonable boundaries from a place of revenge and vindictiveness.
STAGE 5:
Clarify the space you take up in the world. Boundaries is so much more than simply saying “No,” (although saying no when necessary is important, too). Before you can even figure out what boundaries need to be set, you need to identify where you end and other people begin. You wouldn’t build a fence without first figuring out where your property line is located, right?
STAGE 6:
Now that you know the space you take up in the world, determine where you’d truly and honestly want this person to fit into your story. Are they a part of your past? Your present? Your future? This is your story, and you get to decide where people fit into it.
CRUCIAL CLARITY
Know who you are!
Now that you know the space you take up in the world, determine where you’d truly and honestly want this person to fit into your story. Are they a part of your past? Your present? Your future? This is your story, and you get to decide where people fit into it.
STAGE 7:
Write down exactly what you want your boundaries to look like. (Writing them down is important!).
STAGE 8:
Imagine what your life would be like if you were able to set this boundary. What would this boundary look like in action? How would you feel?
STAGE 9:
Discuss your fears. How do you anticipate this person will react to your boundary? What is the worst thing that could happen? Are you concerned for your safety? How about emotionally… Do you feel emotionally safe setting this boundary? Why do you think you carry this fear?
STAGE 10:
Identify the stakeholders. When we set a boundary, it often impacts more than just you and the other person. What other relationships will be impacted by this boundary? Will it be a positive change, or a negative one? How do you feel when you consider this impact?
EXAMINE AND REFLECT
Put it in writing!
Writing out your boundaries, and your feelings around the boundaries, helps give you clarity and makes it feel more real.
STAGE 11:
Decide how you want to deliver this boundary. Do you want to send a letter? Meet in person? Should there be other people present? Should you meet in private or in public? What do you want to say?
STAGE 12:
Roleplay how you will set the boundary. Talk it out with someone you trust to be objective, someone who is familiar with your circumstances.
STAGE 13:
Schedule the date you will set the boundary. Write it on your calendar. Put it into your phone. Make it very real. Communicate the date with someone you trust who will be available to support you on that day. If you need other people to be present, make sure everyone can meet at the scheduled time. If you need to set the boundary in a public place, make sure the location is open and space is available.
STAGE 14:
Give yourself grace (again and always). Do some self-care. Check in on how you’re feeling. Are you mourning the loss of the relationship that was or never will be? Are you anxious? Relieved? Excited? Terrified? What emotions are you feeling now that the date is set and it’s feeling very real. Continue to check in on yourself in the days leading up to the boundary.
STAGE 15:
It’s Boundary Day. Do whatever you need to do to fully be present and your strongest self. Maybe that means going to breakfast with trusted friends. Maybe that means taking the day off work so you can go home after and cry. Maybe that means spending the day with your kids. Maybe you want to celebrate with a massage or dinner with friends afterwards. You’ve done the work. You’ve practiced the conversation or written the letter. It’s time to put it into action. Lean into your support, take a deep breath, and just go. Don’t overthink it. Put one foot in front of the other, and put your plan into action.
MAKE IT REAL
Boundaries in Action
What a journey! Whatever
you decide to do with your
day, honor the work you’ve
put in to get here, and the
struggle you’ve been
through that brought you
here. This is a big day.
Are you interested in learning more about Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace?
What is Redefining Love?
Redefining Love is personal growth framework that teaches people how to set boundaries and hold themselves and others accountable with love and
grace.
THE THREE PILLARS
In order to successfully redefine love, The Three Pillars of Boundaries, Accountability, and Grace must be must be applied both internally and externally. A person must first look inward, and define who they are and what they stand for (boundaries), give themselves credit for their strengths and openly admit their weaknesses (accountability), and love themselves through their pain, disappointment, and heartache (grace). Once this is achieved, they can begin to set boundaries for themselves, and respect the boundaries of others. They can begin to hold others accountable for their words and actions. And they can do these things with love, because they understand that most people are doing the best they can with the temperament and experiences they’ve been given, which is grace.
To learn more, please visit REDEFINE-LOVE.COM.
BREAK HABITS
PRACTICE,
PRACTICE,
PRACTICE.
You’ve lived with these boundary violations for a long time. You have formed habits of interaction that must be broken before new, healthy habits can form.
Boundary Notes:
- Manage your anger. It’s natural to feel angry – even outraged – by the toxic behavior of others. But if you go into Boundary Day in a state of rage, your boundaries will not go over well. Your boundaries will likely not be taken seriously, as you can easily be dismissed as the root of the problems in the relationship.
If you discover as you are moving through the Boundaries Checklist that you are unable to control your rage, you may benefit from the support of a licensed therapist. Often there are deep underlying issues within a relationship that manifest in boundary violations. A therapist can help you process those deeper emotional issues so you can come to a place of emotional equilibrium prior to setting your boundaries.
- Do it sober. You want to be fully present, fully cognizant, and fully functional on Boundary Day. This includes after the boundary is set. A celebratory beer or glass of wine afterwards is fine, but don’t go get drunk or high to deal with the after-boundary discomfort. If you can’t imagine taking this step without the help of substances, dig deep and ask yourself why. It may be time to seek support from a licensed therapist or substance abuse program.
- Are you safe? Setting boundaries can be scary for a lot of reasons. Maybe the person will yell at you. Maybe they will go on a campaign to turn others against you. Maybe their silence or tears is almost more than you can bear. Maybe you simply cannot imagine your life without them in it at the level that they always have been. These are difficult circumstances for sure, and they can be worked through with a coach, therapist, or even a trusted friend or clergy.
IF YOU ARE AFRAID FOR YOUR PHYSICAL SAFETY OR THE SAFETY OF YOUR CHILDREN:
Manage your anger. It’s natural to feel angry – even outraged – by the toxic behavior of others. But if you go into Boundary Day in a state of rage, your boundaries will not go over well. Your boundaries will likely not be taken seriously, as you can easily be dismissed as the root of the problems in the relationship.
There are so many services available. If you need help to free yourself from an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline HERE. There are so many services available. It is possible to break free.
Do you worry the other person may harm themselves when you set your boundary? The threat of suicide is a very real concern to many people who are afraid to set boundaries. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t set the boundary! You have just as much right to take up space in the world as the other person does. However, if suicide is a possibility, there are more steps to take to ensure the other person is safe after you’ve set the boundary.
If you feel trapped in a relationship due to the threat of suicide, contact The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline HERE. This line isn’t only for those considering suicide themselves. They can also point you in the direction of people in your local community who can help support you and the other person as you move towards freedom in the relationship.
If you feel at any point like you want to harm yourself or someone else, seek professional help immediately or dial 911. You are worth too much to the world to choose otherwise.
The author of Redefining Love is not a licensed mental healthcare professional. The information included on this site is for the specific purposes of learning to set boundaries and hold yourself and others accountable with love and grace. For mental health diagnosis questions or clinical mental health treatment or concerns, please reach out to a licensed mental healthcare professional.